A Tribute

I've been scared to post anything about my current sunshine state of mind because of the massive clouds that are still in sight.  In fact, it's been difficult to even write in my personal journal because I'm too afraid to glance at what I had written previously and burst with those similar emotions.  But here it is.  It's time to take a chance.

In February 2013, Brett and I went to the Temple.  While driving home I told Brett, "I need to tell you something..." In the temple, I had the distinct impression that it was our time to start trying to have a family.  Turns out he had received the same exact revelation.   We went home, prayed together, and threw away the birth control.

For me, this was crazy!  Since before I can remember, the plan was to go to BYU and graduate.  Once I did that, I could have as many babies as I wanted.  I could walk in commencement 9 months pregnant but I would not have a child before I graduated. Not to mention all the terrible stereotypes surrounding BYU women that I didn't want to fulfill. 

Turns out God had different plans.  Brett and I were ready to test our faith and trust in Him. 

By July, Brett and I were planning on welcoming our own little baby Mecham into the family at the end of March.  We were so excited!  We told our closest friends and family about our happy news.  Every night I wrote about every wonderful development.  I made choices that focused on this child and not my personal desires.  Life was wonderful.  

On September 8th, life was terrible. 

I came home from a great day at church and found what no hopeful parent wishes to see.  That bright red awful mess of blood where it shouldn't be.  I called my mom and cried like I never have before while she comforted me.  Brett came home to find me crumpled up, unable to do anything but gasp out tears. I tried to stay positive but it was too much blood. We went to the ER and they confirmed my fears.  

Miscarriage. 

The emotional pain, not to mention the physical pain, of a miscarriage is far beyond what I ever imagined.  It was horrific.  I spent hours upon hours curled in a ball, clutching my stomach, shaking from the pain, and throwing up.  The emotional pain still hasn't gone away.  2 months after it happened, I was sitting in church and began crying so much that I had to head home. It was rough to say the least. 

I don't know why it happened and I don't want to put a silver lining onto something so horrific.  I couldn't begin to understand why God would ask me to make this life-changing decision only to take it away from me.  All I know is that I trust Him.  

As March approaches, I can't help but think of the little one that would have been joining us soon.  I personally don't believe that my first pregnancy was ever a baby, but just a bunch of cells that went wrong.  Nevertheless, the hopes, the dreams, the idea of my little baby was crushed into a million pieces.  My body was broken and beaten.  Thinking of what could have been breaks my heart.  It also breaks my heart as I think of those who have been through the same thing: my mother, aunts, and grandma included.  I think of those who yearn for a little one of their own but it is not a possibility, and then my heart breaks a little more for them.  

I'm so grateful.   

I'm grateful for the family and friends in my life who didn't say anything but just brought me hugs, dinner, dessert, and conversation in a time when I needed to feel loved.  

I'm grateful for the women in my life who have gone through so much so that we, the human race, could be here.  

I'm grateful for a husband who could give me a blessing, rub my back, cry with me, and clean up after me.  

I'm grateful for the compassion of my professors and classmates when I needed special circumstances. 

I'm grateful for God's timing, even when it breaks our heart, because everything is working out perfectly.
 
I'm grateful to be surrounded by the healing power of music everyday.  These are the lyrics to a song we sang in Concert Choir right after my miscarriage.  Through all the terror, I have felt like this experience has been a fire of restoration.  It is His grace that carries us through our trials and into the sunlight on the other side.  

Sunlight shines on my face;

This is my grace, to be

Restored, born again,

In flame!

When I was young I flew in the velvet night;

Shining by day, a firebird bathed in light!

Grey now my feathers, which once were red and gold;

My destiny to soar up to the Sun. 

Sunlight shines on my face;

This is my grace, to be

Restored, born again,

In flame!

Do not despair that I am gone away;

I will appear again

When the sunset paints

Flames across the vast eternal sky.

Most importantly, I'm so grateful that I can expect to see this new little son in July. I felt him move this past weekend for the first time and felt so much joy.  I'm a lucky woman to have a wonderful husband and the ability to bare a child of my own.  It is a miracle.